Apprehension. Resent. Waiting, oh waiting. Praying to every god out there. Maybe even a little promise to a devil or two. Wanting more than anything for this fear to go away. Wanting this sinking feeling, this real feeling to go away.
Give me pain. Give me loneliness. Take whatever you want from me. Give me nothing in return save for this one....simple, tiny little wish. Give me blood. Give me agony. Make me wish for it to stop though really its what I need.
I can't care for that anymore. I can't think of anyone but myself and my family now. I understand. I understand Karma, you bitch. I'm getting the memo, Jesus. I'm feeling the stake, Allah. Buddha, oh little Buddha, what the hell happened to non-violence and forgiveness? I've learned my lesson. I will repent. Show me the light in this desolate world of all my sparkly material things.
I'll wear rags. I'll become a nun. OK. I can't start making promises I can't keep. Because my ambitions do not include celibacy piety. And I'm not saying my ambitions include several belts full of notches. No no. I want to be something great. I want to lead and help others. Do you think that will happen if this doesn't end? You bet your divine religious asses it won't. And do you know what will happen if this continues? My life will end. Along with the other. I'm not so rash or stupid to even contemplate suicide But figuratively, yeah. My life will end.
And I'll die inside myself.
I'm not the kind of person who could bounce back from this. And do you guys really need another bitter shell walking around this world unproductive as shit and living as though they've already died? No. I think not. So please. I've learned the moral of this story.
Make this waiting end!
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