Why is it so dark? The light's are off..?

I'm back from the deep, darkness of the human mind and consequences. It's been awhile... I always get relatively despondent and nostalgic in the winter around the holidays. I really don't like the cold. And the deadness of the outside world. Add in the pressure of family members you really don't remember but have to play nice with.. Like that weird 18 year old 3rd removed cousin that will probably be the next 40 year old virgin who stares at your ass all the time. I swear anytime I get the chance at the punch that everyone fakes innocene at how Uncle Terry spikes it with rum every year; I'm downing the whole thing.

I love family. I love Christmas. I love New Year's parties.... But everything leading up to it is so boring I think I could run off for a few days and this will finally be the time for them to realize I've run off. It's so boring they have nothing to do but pay attention the kids. No work, no school, no staying late at the office, no after school stuff...just family. And what do you do with the family all together? Last Christmas we exhausted all excuses for getting out of being with each other. So I have no idea what will happen this year.

My favorite part of the season though, I must include. When all the adults are blown, excuse me, tipsy, the children are tired and satiated with food and presents, and someone gets the bright idea to play charades. Oh my gods, it is the most pitful yet hilarious sight in the world to watch drunk people play charades. The kids are thouroughly entertained to, because they've never seen grown-ups acting so...silly.

So.... it snowed.

A Conversion Perhaps

Apprehension. Resent. Waiting, oh waiting. Praying to every god out there. Maybe even a little promise to a devil or two. Wanting more than anything for this fear to go away. Wanting this sinking feeling, this real feeling to go away.

Give me pain. Give me loneliness. Take whatever you want from me. Give me nothing in return save for this one....simple, tiny little wish. Give me blood. Give me agony. Make me wish for it to stop though really its what I need.

I can't care for that anymore. I can't think of anyone but myself and my family now. I understand. I understand Karma, you bitch. I'm getting the memo, Jesus. I'm feeling the stake, Allah. Buddha, oh little Buddha, what the hell happened to non-violence and forgiveness? I've learned my lesson. I will repent. Show me the light in this desolate world of all my sparkly material things.

I'll wear rags. I'll become a nun. OK. I can't start making promises I can't keep. Because my ambitions do not include celibacy piety. And I'm not saying my ambitions include several belts full of notches. No no. I want to be something great. I want to lead and help others. Do you think that will happen if this doesn't end? You bet your divine religious asses it won't. And do you know what will happen if this continues? My life will end. Along with the other. I'm not so rash or stupid to even contemplate suicide But figuratively, yeah. My life will end.

And I'll die inside myself.

I'm not the kind of person who could bounce back from this. And do you guys really need another bitter shell walking around this world unproductive as shit and living as though they've already died? No. I think not. So please. I've learned the moral of this story.

Make this waiting end!